Building Your Kingdom There

“You may be the only light of Jesus that some people will ever see.” Have you ever heard that before? You may be the only letter from Jesus that some people will ever read. Like it or not Christians, we are the representatives, good and bad, of the bible, Jesus and the Christian faith. Is your Christian walk an example of better living or an amplifier of sin? Are you reflecting the light of Jesus or casting a dark shadow on the path?

As a Christian, what kind of light do you produce? Gentle candlelight, slightly discernible, yet easily overlooked? Perhaps a high-powered floodlight illuminating humanities indiscretions? Ultimately, we need to be a lighthouse. Firmly planted on the shore, casting light on to dark waters, guiding lost travelers home.

I used to work with this amazingly cool guy at Shamu Stadium. He was one of the top killer whale trainers in America, TKWTIA for short. Super athletic. Hosted poker parties, which I was never invited to, but I digress. Great, seemingly waterproof hair. I was so intimidated by him. During shows he would dive into water like superman, one hand extended forward, effortlessly soaring. No matter how cool I thought he was and how not cool I felt, intimidation was not going to win. “You may be the only light of Jesus that he ever sees” haunted me. Taunted me even. In order to get to know him, fear and awkwardness had to go.

In the beginning, I knew three things about him: his wife, his dog and a former job experience. I built a kingdom there. I would rehearse conversations. Plan interactions. I wanted to get to know him. Even when he yelled at me, for good and sometimes not good reasons, I kept building. On the day I was attempting to dive 36 feet to the bottom of Shamu’s pool, this guy gathered colleagues and tourists alike to witness my triumph or tragedy. Fear. Intimidation. You name it, I was feeling it. The idea of him watching made me want to succeed. When I touched the bottom, my heart exploded with joy, triumph and celebration. With each of our interactions, our relationship grew; much like the grinch's heart. By the end of my time at Shamu Stadium, intimidation had been replaced with healthy respect.

God had big plans.

One day God told me to share Jesus with this guy. Fear moved into intimidation's old house. I set up a meeting. He canceled the first one. I didn’t relent. I had left work one day. I was at the post office. The Spirit of God strongly urged me to head back to Sea World. God said that I would find him in the top of Shamu Stadium. When I called the stadium, I was told that he was watching a show. When I arrived, he was exactly where the Lord had said. Our conversation began simply in the earthly conversational kingdom I had built between us. It gradually transcended into a heavenly minded kingdom God was building.

In that conversation, I put some thoughts, rumors and rumblings to rest. We talked openly for the first time about everything. I had not been invited to the poker parties, because I was a Christian. I probably wouldn’t have liked “that sort of thing”. I learned that the respect I had for him was mutual. The most important part of the conversation was sharing Jesus with him. When the conversation headed down the Jesus road, he said, he knew that was what I wanted to talk about. That was evidence that God had been speaking to my friend, because I had never discussed my faith before. I discovered that I was not the first person that had shared Jesus with him. I was one of many that God had asked share the gospel with him. The conversation was clunky at times, fluid at others, but he was cordial and listened. We didn’t agree on all things. I left knowing that I was obedient to the call of God.

A few months later, my friend would find himself entangled in some drama. He would end up leaving Sea World. Long before my friend’s story took a hard turn, God was already writing another story for him. The same story He writes for all of us. One of grace, mercy and hope in a world short on all of that. Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth and the light. No man comes to the Father God except by Me.” The bible says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for our sins.

God’s word says, that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches, apart from him we can do nothing. Apart from the life-giving grace of Jesus, we will die in our sin, disconnected forever from a Father who loves us very much.

Selling my possessions and going on the road was really the simplest part of God’s plan for me. While still in the throes of “What about me?”, God was already asking, “What about them?” The people who don’t know Jesus. The depressed, lonely, angry and broken. What about those that knew Me, but left me?

God changed my image of my whale trainer friend, replacing his intimidating persona with the picture of a lost soul in need of a savior. I am so glad that I didn't let fear cheat us out of this opportunity. Satan tried intimidation to keep us apart, trying to convince me that I was less than and worthless. God often uses the simple things to confound the wise.

Ultimately, if I believe that Jesus is who He says He is. That heaven is a real place and God’s word is true. If I am convicted that God is as great as I believe. Why wouldn’t I spend every waking moment pointing people to Him?

Homosexuality. A Sin?

I walked out of my gay life in 1998. 23 years later it hasn’t been the easiest of faith walks. It has been a life lived according to scripture and the leading of the Holy Spirit. I often get questions such as the ones below. I share the wisdom gleaned from a life surrendered to God, and wisdom from the word of God.

“Do you feel convicted that homosexuality is a sin? My brother is gay and turned away from faith because church ostracized him when he came out. I know it’s the foundation of your ministry but it’s one topic that I don’t understand with different opinions then most so wondering based on your own convictions or is it what people have told you.”

My story: I was raised in the Assembly of God church and learned scripture from an early age pertaining to God's design for human sexuality. At the age of 6 I was sexually abused by my brother, my mom tried to commit suicide and my best friend was killed when a car struck him during Halloween trick or treating. My early years were really traumatic, and I learned that the God people knew must hate me, because of all I had been through. When the abuse happened, my brother also introduced me to pornography at the age of 6. That would be a struggle for the rest of my life. God called me into the ministry at the age of 9, I was saved and filled with the Holy Spirit at the age of 10. My mom was bi-polar, and she kept me close.  I learned terrible ways of coping with life through the eyes and perspective of a crazy person.  My brother was molested at the age of 13.  He was a behavioral menace for the rest of my life at home.  Dad saw that I was a kid who did the right thing and could take care of myself and that my brother needed constant supervision, so at an early age my dad disappeared from my life.  The result of not having a dad who was present and having a mom who wouldn’t let me away from her side, ensured a couple of things.  I didn’t have a male, masculine influence in my life.  I also learned how to approach the world through the eyes and opinions of a woman.  I was cheated out of true masculinity and subjected to daily, consistent femininity.  At an early age I began to experience what I call Same Sex Attraction.  It didn’t mean that I was gay.  It meant that the craziness of my life had set me on a path of emotional and sexual brokenness.  

I misinterpreted a lot of what happened to me.  When a child has unmet emotional needs and they hit puberty, those needs become sexualized.  I was cheated out of the affirmation, approval, love and connectedness of a father.  So when I hit puberty all those longings for a man to hold, hug me, love me became sexualized into my gay life.  When I would look at what my core needs were deep inside.  I wasn’t born sexually attracted to men, but I lived an entire early existence being cheated out of meaningful, powerfully life shaping interactions with men.  

I lived in the gay life for 10 years.  I dated and was out and proud, but somewhere deep inside was the draw of the Holy Spirit back to living a biblical, sexual ethic.  I knew the scriptures that stated that homosexuality was a sin.  I had actually lived out some of them and I knew in my heart of hearts that living a gay life full out was sinful.  But I still couldn’t shake the fact that I thought I was born gay.  I had prayed over and over again to be freed or healed or cured of homosexuality.  God never answered me and Christians weren’t kind.  My father and mother never rejected me, but they also never truly accepted my homosexuality.  And although it pissed me off to no end, I look back now and am so thankful that they never said gay was okay, but instead stood on the tenets of the bible.  

I always had a relationship with Jesus.  God always spoke to me, even as I was on the run from all things Christian.  The conviction of the Holy Spirit was consistent and loving though.  It wasn’t the church or scriptures that initially told me that homosexuality was wrong.  It was my heart, my soul, my mind and every fiber of my being.  The church would only preach that homosexuality was an abomination back then.  So I stayed away from Chrisitians and churches altogether.  At one point I even called myself a gay Christian, because I knew I was a Christian, but I didn’t know how to reconcile my sexuality and my Christianity.  

Nearing the 10 year mark of my gay life, I was hitting rock bottom in so many ways.  My father kept telling me I could come home and live.  I wasn’t ready to give up, but I knew I needed to change my life.  The gay world had wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life.  All I had ever wanted to do was work for Sea World and train Shamu.  This wasn’t going to happen unless I surrendered my life to God.  And I also knew that would need to surrender my sexuality.  So many gay people play the victim when it comes to church and Christians.  They share just enough of their lives to win you over, but they would never tell of you of the secret struggles they deal with inside.  If they did, you would see that they weren’t as convinced that homosexuality isn’t a sin as they portray.  I had to get to the place of admitting that for ten years I had lived a life of disobedience and sexual sin in defiance of God’s word. 

I didn’t know how I was going to get rid of homosexuality in my life.  I didn’t know how I was going to be a Christian or even be gay and Christian.  I didn’t know what to do, but I did know what God’s word said and that I couldn’t do it on my own.  There was a moment of reckoning where I had to ask myself: “Am I going to live a life in response to the deceptive desires of homosexuality or live a life in response to the truth of the word of God?”  I knew the answer.  And I also knew the method.  

Rather than to try and fix my broken sexuality by myself, I needed to surrender control of my whole life to God.  I needed to surrender my life, my will and my sexuality to Jesus.  Jesus surrendered His life, His sexuality and His will to the Father before I ever existed so that I could lean on Him in my time of need.  

I had to take one step at a time.  I didn’t leave homosexuality behind by waking up daily and repeating “I am not going to be gay today.”  Regardless of your sexuality or type of sin, the goal is Jesus, not white knuckling it to perfection.  God was telling me through His word: Be Holy for I am Holy.  He was saying, if I am for you, who can be against you?  I walked away from homosexuality by focusing on Jesus Christ’s example in the scriptures.  I started in the book of Matthew and learned who Jesus was.  More importantly who I could be, because of His sacrifice.  Every day I put myself in the presence of God, much the same way I put myself in the presence of pornography or masturbation, or bars, or drinking or any of the other aspects of my gay life I was living.  My whole life was influenced by all things LGBT, because the church hadn’t seemed like a safe place and I needed a place to belong.  Now, however, the Lord was directing my steps and leading my path.  I was changing my direction, because the gay life had left me rotted and cored.  I was heading in the direction of the one man that would love me and respect me as none before had ever done.  

There are several scriptures that talk about homosexuality and other sexual sins in the bible.  Men, through satanic influence, are the ones who have separated out homosexuality from the other sexual sins in the bible.  There is only one sexual relationship designed and approved by God in His word.  That is the union of man and woman.  Stating that is not a form of homophobia, it is simply a statement of biblical fact.  Men have rewritten scripture for years in order to justify sinful, sexual behavior.  

Here are two good places to start scripturally regarding sex and sexuality as ordained by Heavenly God.  

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived.  Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you.  But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

This scripture outlines what unrighteous people do, but then shows that God is the redeemers of all types of sin and sexual sin.  “And such were some of you.  But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”  It was not my power that led me out of homosexuality.  It was the power of the Spirit of God at work in my life.  God illuminated my sin and sent Jesus as a way out of my sinful, sexual life.  But until I chose to believe the truth of the word of God when it identified my homosexual life as sin, I was not be able to gain freedom from it. 

Matthew 15:18-19 18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. 19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. 

Fornications include any sexual relationship outside of the realm of sex between a man and a woman.

I spent a long time in the gay world, around broken men like myself who were far from God.  There is a level of brokenness and immaturity that stifles maturation and spiritual growth.  Men who were motivated by sexual desire rather than the leading and direction of Holy God and His word.  I needed to renew my mind so that my life could be transformed.  

Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. 

Romans 1:21-32  21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things. 24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. 26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. 28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; 32 who,  knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.

I have experienced several aspects of the following verses.  I can attest to the experience in scripture that men will burn in their lust for one another.  There was a sexual drive and hunger that could never be satiated.  I can testify that many men, gay and ex-gay, have shared that they have experienced the same draw throughout their lives.  

I hope that helps bring some clarity to your thoughts.  At the end of the day, it wasn’t the negative influence of Christians that led me away from homosexuality; it was the gentle and steady conviction of the Holy Spirit that I wasn’t meant to live as a gay man.  I was called to live Holy and surrendered to Jesus Christ in every aspect of my being. 

The Coast is Clear

I am one of those church people that regular people deem crazy. I raise my hands, sing out loud with all my tone-deaf might and I dance and sway when the Spirit moves me. If I went to a concert and did all that, people would just call me a super fan of the band. Because of the venue my actions wouldn’t seem odd. You might even join me. The same actions in a church generate labels and character assassination. Even though I am a Christian who loves Jesus and looks similar to any average, enthusiastic concert goer.

COVID seclusion has the world living like mole people, watching sports on TV, streaming concerts from the couch and movie premieres on hardwood floors rather than red carpets. No matter how much online “access” we get, nothing is as immersive as being “front and center” at a live event. The smell of fresh popcorn, stadium hotdogs, the spine-tingling, THX, “blow your toupee off” sound system, or the roar of a crowd witnessing a historic play all enhance and deepen the experience.

I have traveled to Iceland, Hawaii, Alaska, Brazil, Dubai and even Kazakhstan. Nothing is more exhilarating than being 20 feet from humpback whales, feeling the subtle sway of the world’s, tallest building from the 125th floor, seeing the leaning tower of Piza, viewing the David, getting a neck cramp staring at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, standing on an actual glacier, filming giant river otters in the wild, or pressing through the sheer terror of swimming in piranha infested waters.

I am sure you have experienced your own brand of adventure. I ain't braggin'. Just saying, when our experiences are:

personal

tactile

visual

physical;

the memory of them does more to feed the heart, mind and soul, than simply watching someone else living out the life we crave on a screen. Being there in the flesh does something to enhance your senses, creating an indelible, three dimensional impression in your brain.

After a year and half on the road, I got to physically attend my home church. I am an extroverted introvert, but need time with my church family. I need to be present with my pastor as well. Keystone Church has been a huge area of comfort and support on my journey. When I can’t attend in person, I watch online.

COVID cautions have caused a lot of people to watch church online. satan is a master distractor. 1 Peter 5:8 says that satan walks about as a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. He hunts like a lion. Lions chase down their prey, instilling fear, using fear tactics to separate and isolate individuals from the herd.

satan has used COVID to instill fear, isolate, separate and devastate church attendance. Churches don't need your money. They need your presence.

When I attended church in the flesh. All my senses were stimulated. I was affected; changed. I felt the presence of God. Right emotions were generated after weeks of feeling YECH. There is something OTHER about attending church in the flesh as opposed to watching online. When I am in my home, I get distracted by a million things. When I am worshipping in person in my church, I am focused on God. I have made the decision to travel to a place and meet God, to focus on God, to set aside time to be with Him. I put myself in a place where people like me are focused on worshipping the Creator of the Universe: broken people, hurting people, people who have been hurt by church, ex-gay people, ex alcoholic people, all people!

Some will say, “I don’t need to go to church. God is everywhere.” That statement may wax true, but it’s an excuse that keeps us from the full complement of the Christian life. What would a concert goer say if I said, Why go to a concert? You can listen to that band anywhere. You would hear a litany of reasons why attending in the flesh provides the ultimate experience.

You and I both know, that there is something different about hearing the band live and experiencing the joy and enthusiasm of other sold out fans.

Sitting there that Sunday, the power and presence of God were palpable. I felt Him. I sensed Him. I needed that after living in this unprecedented time. That seat I occupied in my church generated a richer, more genuine experience than the one I sat in watching from home. The writer of Hebrews 10:25 challenges us not to give up meeting together, like so many already have. But meet up, encourage one another, Do life together! In other words, do not let the devil, fear and mass hysteria be the gods you bow down to.

The time is over for sitting at home. Come back to church. Come gather in the presence of God. God wants to bless you a thousand ways to sunset. If you have returned to your other normal ways of life, why not return to the one place that will make the only REAL difference in your life.

My church, Keystone Church, meets at the Studio Movie Grill near Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville resort on 192 in Kissimmee, Florida. There are plenty of seats for all size butts and all kinds of hearts. And if you need to meet with Pastor Ed, he just went full time, so come one come all. He is wiling to hear your hurt and process with you. He wants you in our church, because he has seen what God can do in the life of those who surrender to Jesus.

So...

Come be a part of something wonderful and life altering!

Death of Sin

After my morning bible time, I glimpsed a book on the shelf in my borrowed office, "My Utmost for His Highest", by Oswald Chambers. It is a yearly devotional containing a buffet of wisdom; The Golden Corral of Biblical knowledge.

Mr Chambers very pointedly asks, "Have you made the following decision about sin—that it must be completely killed in you?"

I share the following sentiment with guys walking out of homosexuality. You have to draw a line in the sand, step over it, move towards Jesus and mourn the loss of every aspect of your old, gay life. If you truly desire to establish a firm connection with Jesus, your former life and identity must be laid to rest.

From my former days of living as a gay "Christian" to my modern days of living a Christ centered life, Oswald eloquently details the quest for freedom. While society heralds and normalizes sexual sin and sexual immorality, the Bible still calls us to walk according to God's truth and wisdom. When someone uses the phrase "my truth", satan's deception is active in their life. The only truth that matters is God's word. In the end, scripture is what we will all be judged by.

From the website https://utmost.org. April 10. My Utmost for His Highest

Complete and Effective Decision About Sin

By Oswald Chambers

…our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. —Romans 6:6

Co-Crucifixion. Have you made the following decision about sin—that it must be completely killed in you? It takes a long time to come to the point of making this complete and effective decision about sin. It is, however, the greatest moment in your life once you decide that sin must die in you– not simply be restrained, suppressed, or counteracted, but crucified— just as Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world. No one can bring anyone else to this decision. We may be mentally and spiritually convinced, but what we need to do is actually make the decision that Paul urged us to do in this passage.

Pull yourself up, take some time alone with God, and make this important decision, saying, “Lord, identify me with Your death until I know that sin is dead in me.” Make the moral decision that sin in you must be put to death.

This was not some divine future expectation on the part of Paul, but was a very radical and definite experience in his life. Are you prepared to let the Spirit of God search you until you know what the level and nature of sin is in your life— to see the very things that struggle against God’s Spirit in you? If so, will you then agree with God’s verdict on the nature of sin— that it should be identified with the death of Jesus? You cannot “reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin” (Romans 6:11) unless you have radically dealt with the issue of your will before God.

Have you entered into the glorious privilege of being crucified with Christ, until all that remains in your flesh and blood is His life? “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me…” (Galatians 2:20).

The end.

My prayer for each of you today, regardless of what struggle or sin holds you fast, is that you surrender your heart and life to God today. Come to the end of your hurt, pain, unforgivness and sin. Get to the beginning of a relationship with God. May the truth of God's word and the power of the Holy Spirit free you from the bondage of sin. May you finally see the truth of God's eons of wisdom and surrender to new life in Christ. May God grant you the wisdom, strength, power and awareness that will save your soul today.

Amen.

Taking A Stand

The year was 1991. A guy you don't know and will probably never meet wrote a book you will probably never read, but I would.

Many of you have only recently caught a glimpse of the overreaching censorship capabilities that Big companies exact on the information we see and receive. Today I took a huge step in the right direction for me. I fired Twitter, deactivating both accounts. I fired Amazon for what they are did to shutter Parler and also for what they did to a little set of books and authors a few years back. You probably never heard that story.

This is where that book I mentioned comes into play. Author, Counselor, Pastor and Speaker Joe Dallas has written many books on the subject of walking away from homosexuality. In 2001, I read Joe's book "Desires in Conflict". He wrote the book in 1991 and 10 years later it was still sending out a rescue signal that I received. The book gave me fresh insight on my struggles with Same Sex Attraction. It was like Joe had broken into my house and read my journals. I was a little boy that had grown up believing I was gay. Joe's book was the first "church" book I found that spoke to me about my life experience and my struggles SSA.

After reading Joe's book I taught it to other men on the same journey. Joe Dallas brought light to my life through the truth that Jesus brought to his. Amazon brought cheap paper towels to my door. A few years back, Amazon exercised a brand of censorship that I deemed despicable. They banned Desires in Conflict and other Christian books, because they deemed them harmful to the rhetoric of the gay community that says if you have same sex attraction, then you were born that way. I do not believe that anyone is born gay. I chose to believe that homosexuality formed in my life as a result of many environmental factors. I was born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. I was not born gay. Rather than allowing two schools of thought on the matter, Amazon decided to side with LGBT activists to ban all books with the theme of Freedom from Homosexuality.

I posted about it way back when. No one cared. It didn't affect a great number of people. It wasn't personal to anyone but men and women like me, who have left their homosexual lives behind. It was the first shockwave signaling that Amazon was no longer a convenient way to order books and toilet paper. It was now the moral and social police, preaching a gospel of its own. No longer a business serving customers from all walks of life and beliefs. Amazon was using its enormous power in the marketplace to stifle the voice of freedom and the principles of free speech.

I have never stood on the corner at a gay pride march with signs filled with hatred and a mouth full of cursing. I have shared the story of my life the same way gay men and women share their stories. I have cried with my gay friends who have suffered bad breakups and bullying. I have given of everything God has given me to help people with needs in the LGBT community. I have gotten out of bed to come to the aid of gay friends who could only remember my number, because it was easy. I don't just share the truth that Jesus led me out of homosexuality, I love the gay community well. I share the truth of the Bible with them as people, rather than to use it as a weapon against them.

So today I took a stand. A lot of these companies don't care about me as an Ex-gay man and especially as a Christian. Even Howard Schultz has told people of faith not to come to Starbucks. Big Tech companies think they can control and manipulate the little guy. Well maybe so. But not this little guy.

Life might be a little tougher without 2 day delivery and free movies. But as we have all come to see, online ordering services are a dime a dozen and Amazon no longer holds the sway they once did. I have found two companies that still believe in free speech as far as books are concerned. They both offer the two books that steered my life on a collision course with God.

BarnesandNoble.com and Christianbook.com.

Thank you for being businesses that serve people rather than acting as the moral police force pushing the opinion and agenda of a select ew on the whole of your customer base.

To Alan Medinger, hanging out with Jesus in heaven, I salute you sir for your book "Growth Into Manhood". To Joe Dallas, I will forever owe you a debt of gratitude. Your books "Desires in Conflict", "When Homosexuality Hits Home" and a host of others have brought hope to parents the world wide.

I am not telling you what to do with your dollars. I am simply saying, that I have to stand up for what I believe in, and make sacrifices in order to share the truth in a world where lies are the language of our modern day media.

Listing to Won Side

Recently, I met an entertaining, older, still in love, married couple.  They were discussing home repairs.  The wife said their neighbor had a hole in their garage floor.  The husband decided a simple patch would work.  Innocently enough, the wife asked, “Do you attach it to the concrete?”  Without skipping a beat, the husband said “No, it just hovers there in midair.” The room erupted in laughter.  

A floating patch? Funny, but absurd.  The patch will only be affective if it’s firmly attached to the existing foundation.  Some people’s view of success is as absurd as our science-fiction, repair job.  They expect success to materialize out of thin air disregarding the need for any underlying foundation.   

Society’s beliefs on success are craptastically, ridiculous myths perpetuated by Disney and Hollywood.  They peddle the lie that belief, not hard work, is the foundation for accomplishment.  Care to petition an astronomical ball of plasma to determine your future? “Wish upon a star” y’all?  Keep up!   Success doesn’t magically happen.  It is rooted in determination and hard work, not in the religion of Wishcraft.  The most, high-tech, motion sensing light switch requires movement for activation.  

As a kid, I was conditioned to believe that success and a $70,000 salary were synonymous.  When I surrendered my life to Jesus as an adult, I was forced to ask myself, “How should I define success as a Christian?”  Over the years I tried to answer that question many different ways.  It was one simple conversation with God that set me straight.  One day, while sitting in front of my house, God spoke to me.  “What if life isn’t about your ministry, this house, or what you can do for Me?  What if life is about You and I?”  

“That IS what it’s all about God,” I said.  God was taking me back to basics.  It was my Aha moment.  More of Him.  Less of me, me, me.  We were created to be in relationship with God, not enslaved to earthly success.  The measure of Christian success is surrender to Jesus.  It is a consistent pursuit of obedience leading to the fulfillment of scripture.  “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”- Matthew 6:33. “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” - 1 Samuel 15:22

Recently, I was chatting with one of the guys I mentor.  Our mentoring sessions are loosely written. We catch up, pray for the Holy Spirit to lead and see what He says. This particular day my friend was expressing some disappointment with the level of accomplishment in his life. Disappointment can often result when we compare our lives to others. Sometimes we get caught in crosshairs of worldly success vs. spiritual success. The Holy Spirit gave me an idea. I asked my friend to get his journal. We began dialoguing about what God had done in his life over the past few months. We needed to write it down. Start a list. Create a visual testimony of his spiritual success. As his mentor, I view his accomplishments objectively and en masse, taking note of continuity and growth. He views them in a linear fashion.  He finishes one task and he’s on to the next thing.  But what if the next thing doesn’t happen for a while?  If we have nothing to stand on to get to the next step, we are as stable as that floating patch in the Jetson’s garage.  

Initially, he didn’t understood my madness, but as he gained illumination, joy ensued.  He realized that I was encouraging him to acknowledge all that God had accomplished in his life.  The list served as a physical record of spiritual success: cultivating gratitude toward God, combatting satan’s lies and cataloging my friend’s steps from gay life to God life.  If scripture says do it, we do it obediently and scripture is fulfilled.  That constitutes spiritual success.  Huge success in the Christian walk is measured by the tiniest steps of obedience and surrender.

As we compiled the list, we sought out scripture that testified of my friend’s obedience.  When we first begin to meet, my mentee had a strained relationship with his father.  He began to pray and take action to strengthen their relationship, fulfilling Malachi 4:6 - “And He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers”.  My friend then shared about an answered prayer for healing and Psalm 34:4 came to mind, “I sought the Lord, and He heard me.”  His mom had cancer.  He was the only one who could help her.  He served her tirelessly and compassionately fulfilling Exodus 20:12, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

When I left my gay life for Jesus, success was measured one day at a time.  I didn’t have sex today.  Success.  I didn’t get drunk.  Success.   I didn’t look at pornography.  You get the picture.  I was so steeped in sin and sexuality, that stopping bad behavior was my first measure of spiritual success.  Success was measured by abstaining from bad deeds, rather than doing good ones.   

If the idea of celebrating small, moderate successes seems confusing, head to the bottom of a staircase and look up.  Each stair gets you one step closer to the goal of getting upstairs.  Each stair is a solid foundation to get to the next.  Growth is similar.  Every step towards God can be registered as a spiritual success.  I remember a song that said, “Count your blessings.  Name them ONE BY ONE.  Count your many blessings.  See what God has done.” 

Are you in spiritual limbo my friends?  Feel stuck?  Has the enemy distracted you from spiritual success with the allure of worldly success?  Are you living a lackluster life?  Do you compare your accomplishments with everyone else’s?   Comparison is like walking yourself to the guillotine and pulling the cord.  

Over the next week, create your own list of spiritual successes.  Take stock of what God has accomplished through your surrender.  Then once you have your list, begin to ask the Holy Spirit for confirmation in scripture.  God is at work in your life. Satan wants to convince you otherwise.  If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you owe it to yourself to start your list.  As my friend Adam would say, count your many blessings precious.  See what God has done!  

Teacup In the Ocean

Well folks, it’s Shark Week again.  I don’t know about you, but my marine biologist heart skips a beat.  It is really the only time I binge watch anything other than Forensic Files.  Once a year, for one week, August comes alive with Shark Mysteries and Dangerous Documentaries on Discovery Channel.  Mike Tyson and Will Smith even made an appearance this year.  When it’s over, die-hard fans are left to subsist on leftover tidbits and snippets of video relegated to Youtube.  

A number of years ago, I was conversing with my new friend: author, speaker, and teacher, Bob Hamp at a conference.  Maybe the word friend is a little presumptive.  Bob was the Keynote speaker.  I was just the guy introducing him.  Bob comes across so approachable and friendly, it felt like we were good friends.  When Bob speaks, his demeanor puts you at ease, while his knowledge enlightens you.  It’s like coffee talk with a really, smart old friend.  After he finished, I thanked him and engaged in some small talk.  Bob shared with me that he was writing his first book, but he had some reservations.  “There is so much out there, to add another book feels like pouring a teacup into the ocean.”  As we parted ways, the sentiment “pouring a teacup into the ocean” bounced around in my head, waxing somewhat familiar.  Then it hit me.  The old tale that sharks can detect a single drop of blood in a vast ocean.  Research time!  

I woke up the next morning, prepped my speaker intros, and struck out to find Bob.  I had to share my revelation.  I wasn’t sure if he’d mirror my excitement or call security.  I tend to go all Nerdsville when biology has spiritual applications.  I found Bob and asked if I could share something.  He obliged.  

I reminded Bob of his teacup statement.  I told Bob I had a marine biology degree and started sharing my internet shark research.  What I learned is that some shark species are more sensitive than others to scents in the water.  And they have a built-in sensitivity to detect tiny amounts of solutes, perhaps blood, in large volumes of water.  I encouraged Bob to go ahead and pour his teacup into the ocean.  Just like sharks on hunt with their built-in sensitivity.  There are people out there, on the hunt for his message of hope in a vast, literary ocean. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has placed eternity in the hearts of men.  God has placed a sensitivity, a thirst and a knowledge in the human heart.  God wants us to know that there is more to this life than just the portion we spend on earth.  

Ultimately, I encouraged Bob that he need not grow weary of pouring a teacup into the ocean.  Those sensitive to the message, hungry for it even, will be drawn from far and wide.

( I met Bob a few years back.  He published his book before I authored this blog.  I’ve met plenty of authors.  I have strict policy.  If the real person and the person in the book don’t match, the book goes in the trash. Bob Hamp, is the real deal; authentic to the core.  If he says it? He’s lived it.  As a courtesy to Bob and a help to you, here’s a link to his book,

Think Differently, Live Differently. ) 

https://tdacad.com/product/think-differently-live-differently-book/?fbclid=IwAR1RxF-UNvsKUNvPIFCuoJ-jlCENrjtnouqHhqoYyBb21i18xgWUMlxdgSo

Alabama Here I Come

So...I am moving to Alabama; I know people.

Let's just see who falls for that clickbait. My assistant thought that would be a funny way to start a post. No, I am not moving to Alabama, but I'm tempted. Over the past week I have enjoyed the beauty of Alabama and the hospitality of the locals. It's nice to be known by good people and to know them. I have also pondered the idea of community before and after Covid. The way we cultivate community may have changed, but our need for connection remains the same.

What is good community? It doesn't just mean the hunans living in close proximity to our “house”. I think community is a lifeline-style connection to people that genuinely care for each other. At least that is what I need it to be. Christian community adds the element of prayer. Good community means being able to talk to a pastor, face to face, share your story and not produce that confused, dog, bobble-head look. Nothing makes me shut down quicker than a pastor who is waiting for the end of the sentence to correct you or add to your load, rather than congratulate you for being light years beyond bars, booze and boyfriends.

Today I got 3 precious hours with a pastor in Alabama. He, asked me questions. He affirmed my walk, rather than doubled my load. He showed me around his church campus. He bought me breakfast. He introduced me to people he knows. Best of all, he knows me. I know him. I know that I know, that he loves me. In fact, he loves me better and more intimately than any gay man I ever dated. That type of love y’all...

For other men and I with Same Sex Attraction, Covid quarantine has denied us key aspects of community with church men we need: connection, conversation, hugs and eye contact. If you are a church man and any of that makes you squeamish, this isn’t for you. People may take the actions above for granted, but these simple acts help to mend our wounds and heal the scars of our past. Healing from Same Sex Attraction isn't an emergency room visit. Guys like me need daily time with God the Father, which is our responsibility and we also benefit from deep, connective, long-lasting community with Christian men. This connection helps us to stop believing the lies of the enemy and the gay identity we left behind.

Finding legitimate, healthy relationships with Christian men in the church, who aren't afraid of our stories, and aren't afraid to hug us, keeps us connected and prevents us from pursuing the sinful, illegitimate connections of our past. For many of us God has called out of homosexuality and into your churches. Sometimes the lack of connection there leaves us feeling orphaned and abandoned. We may have been sinners, but we know what good community looks like. Church community can fall short. Because of the nature of other people's busy lives, as single, “older” men in the church we get about 10-20% of our emotional needs met by church men. Church women would connect with us all day long, because we are good listeners, but we need connections with men that we lacked from our fathers, siblings and peers.

Let me translate. Tending our Emotional needs is like Football Season to many of you. (Grunt Grunt Pigskin Touchdown). JK, sorta. With the onset of Covid, the little connection we had with church men, has been reduced from a trickle to a drip. We don't need the floodgates to open, but would a few drops of rain kill ya?

Doing community well is something the church could learn from the gay community. And with that 20 old ladies in a Fundamentalist, Mount Zion, Baptist, Macadamian, Jubilation Congregation just clutched their pearls and their hankies simultaneously.

In short, we need each other. And, yes, some of us are more EGR than others, but you guys are far from perfect. We don’t need perfection, we need connection. Chances are that we could learn from each other. Let's begin building the foundation now, for the gay men that will eventually awaken to the call of God on their lives and transition from their community to ours.

Nacho Life

Growing up a sensitive and creative boy, I experienced rejection from guys my age.  I longed to fit in or have a good, guy friend.  Loneliness drove me to pray for more friends than I “knew what to do with.”  I would ultimately find that connection in the gay community.  Sex was the currency I exchanged for male intimacy.  

After years of living a selfish, sexual life of “my body, my choice,” I came back to Jesus.  He challenged me to surrender my heart, my will and even my body to Him.  The bible served as my guide.  1 Corinthians 6:19 posed deep, searching questions. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?”  Paul wrote divinely inspired statements: “You are not your own” and “You were bought at a price.  Therefore, honor God with your bodies.”  1 Corinthians 6 gave me a holy view of sexuality.  It also set a behavioral precedent of self-control in my life.  This blog isn’t about SEX.  Sex was just my most out of control area, but by no means the only one.  

I awoke one day thinking, if my body is not my own sexually, then surely other areas of my life require submission.  If my sexy parts are surrendered, but my mouth is unfiltered, then action is needed.  If all my parts aren’t totally surrendered, then my Christian walk is like Jurassic Park; electronic gates flung open, slowly coming back one by one, leaving the facility TOTALLY AND UTTERLY UNSECURE.  Proverbs 25:28 “A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.”  

As Christians we are works in progress.  We have to be aware of our shortcomings.  We must gage our reactions to trauma and understand that we have not “arrived.”  Is our anger raging?  Is our sadness keeping us in bed, away from people and nursing another bottle of Pinot?  Are we using our mouths to bless or curse God’s other creations?  Are the gates to our hearts wide open while emotional alarm bells ring out?   Do we have any shred of “I give a…care” left that will allow us to cry out to God?

God says that whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  But just like me, without scripture to guide you, you get trapped, because sin seems normal.  Especially, if you are living a life based on human emotion, rather than the spiritual standard of the bible.  Wake up brothers and sisters.  Christians are called to be light in a dark world.  The bible is our weapon against the darkness; our witness to the lost, yet we haven’t hid God’s word in our hearts.  If Google search went away many of you would preach “Jesus Wept” on repeat.  

God is calling us to a life of surrender and submission.  What areas of your life are out of control?  Emotions?  Self-control?  Self awareness?  Prayer time?  Bible reading?  Whatever it is, God doesn’t care where you start.  He just wants you to begin again. Include Him in your day.  Share what He has done in your life.  If He hasn’t done anything for a while, do a system check, find the disconnect and get back online.  Jesus came to seek and save that which is lost.  That was once us.  

God’s word speaks of obedience.  God’s heart speaks of relationship. If there are areas of your life that are out of control and hopeless, don’t marinate another second in the viscosity of sin.  Stop letting sin, even the littlest one, drag you under.  Heed the words of Jesus, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” --Matthew 11:28-30

Salvation isn’t the Lottery, with one random winner.  It’s more like the Welfare system; readily available to everyone in need.

The Tough Scriptures

I am on a journey designed by God. I sold my house and most of my worldly possessions and left.

It’s been two months since I set out.  Initially, God challenged me to start believing the “tough scriptures.”  My entire Christian life I’ve believed only a percentage of the scriptures.  “Tough scriptures” to me are ones that are hard to believe, put in practice or ones I thought were unattainable for me.  Here are the first scripts that God dropped into my brain.  

Luke 9:1 He called His twelve disciples…and gave them power and authority over all demons, and to cure diseases. 2 He sent them to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 3 And He said to them, “Take nothing for the journey, neither staffs nor bag nor bread nor money; and do not have two tunics apiece.”

Matthew 6:25-26 25 “…do not worry about your life, what you will eat or…drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than. clothing? 26 Look at the birds…they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not...more valuable?  

Matthew 6:33-34 …seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow…

I have read these repeatedly.  If I’m honest, I never placed myself in a position to believe these fully.  I have trusted God in so many ways with my life and my finances, but I don’t know if I’ve truly surrendered fully before now.  I am in good company with Jesus’s disciples in that I struggle with my beliefs.  God exists! God heals!  God can be trusted!  No doubt in my mind of these things; but will He (fill in the blank)?  It’s okay to ask God questions, but to keep placing my trust in Him.  It’s not good to let unanswered questions cause me to seek answers outside God’s presence and wisdom.   

Jesus rebuked his disciples on occasion for their unbelief and hard heartedness, but each disciple would go to their death believing He was the long-awaited Messiah.  That speaks volumes to me.  

 I am glad to know I am not the only one who has struggled with doubts.  A man in scripture asked Jesus to heal his son, if Jesus could.  Jesus replied in Mark 9 “‘If [ I ] can’?  Everything is possible for one who believes.” 24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  I am right there with you brother.  Just before I left Orlando, I explained my challenge to believe hard scriptures to my Pastor.  He quoted this verse to me.  My faith has deepened over the years, so I wanted to begin to press in and trust God, surrender to His will and live a life with NO FEAR and ultimate belief.  

God then deposited this verse into my life.  Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  This scripture and my growing faith have changed the way I look at prayer.  Where I once had so many reservations about praying.  “What if I pray for someone and they don’t get healing?  What if I didn’t hear God correctly?  What if? What if? WHAAAAAAT IF?”  I now had a new confidence in God, in my relationship with him and my desire to be in His presence.  I feel like the Holy Spirit led me to James 1:5 as well; “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”  

What I gleaned from this entire experience is that God is willing to pour out in abundance, if we are willing to invest time in scripture and trust Him.  If we aren’t reading and devouring the word and allowing it to shape and mold our faith, we are subsisting on a diet of hors d’oeuvres, rather than feasting at the King’s table.

God is calling us deeper my friends.  Psalm 34:8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

Walking and Speaking

As I read my bible in Starbucks today, a passage in Isaiah jumped out at me.  But first, let me set the scene.  To my right, a muslim couple was meeting with their divorce lawyers.  To my left, a “Christian” woman could be heard loudly cutting down anyone and everyone, while simultaneously sharing scripture and God’s name.  I was reminded of the scripture that says a fountain cannot produce both bitter water and sweet.  Also, James 3:9 says “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness.”  The woman’s volume and boldness shocked me, but God used her to show me my own indiscretions.  The scripture in Isaiah that brought conviction to my heart was 33:15 and 19 - 15 “He who walks righteously and speaks uprightly…” 19 “He will dwell on high.”  I had to ask myself, “Am I walking righteously and speaking uprightly?  Or am I being a hypocrite?”

The last month has been marked with triumphs and failures at walking righteously and speaking uprightly on my part, but an unfailing and persistent love on God’s part.  I have listened for God’s wisdom and kept a keen eye open for His acts of mercy.  

I used to own a marvelous home in Orlando, Florida.  That home served as a refuge for men and women seeking to leave homosexuality and turn their lives back to Jesus.  It served as a place of connection between the lost and God Almighty. I housed both friend and foe.  I received divine healing and mental breakthrough in that little house on Gifford Blvd.  God was glorified in that house.   

So, if that house was so amazing, why did I sell it a year ago?  The first and best reason, was that God told me to. At the time that God began to utter the faint whispers of “sell your house”, I wasn’t ready.  That house was the result of God’s blessing in my life. It was where I began Big Fish Ministry, where I celebrated many triumphs and defeats; and the birthplace of such grand memories that they outweighed the burden of years of struggle.  Over the 10 years I lived in that house, I made every effort to walk righteously and speak uprightly, while helping other men do the same. 

I knew I had to let go of the house when God began chatting to me one day.  I was experiencing a slump in ministry participants.  I was wearing exhaustion around like a heavy, winter coat in the middle of summer.  One day, on my drive home, God began to speak, “What if it isn’t about a huge ministry?  What if it isn’t about what you can DO for me?  What if this life is just about My relationship with you and your relationship with Me?”  I remember thinking, well that is what this life is about God.  In that moment, I felt like the Lord simply said, “Bingo!”  

After that particular conversation with the Lord I just sat in my car for a moment as it was parked near the curb in front of my house.  I had been serving the Lord for so many years at this point, but I had suddenly realized that I was focused on doing for the Lord, rather than being with the Lord.  He was right. I was distracted with works and my faith was suffering.  Nothing is more important in this life than serving the Lord, accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and consistently surrendering to the Lord each and every morning you awake.

When I first walked away from my homosexual life in 1998, I slowly kindled a fire for God that could be seen and sensed from miles away.   I did so by ridding my life of porn, bad influences, alcohol and any aspect of my old life that didn’t honor God.  A few months into my recovery, I remember meeting up with a guy with whom I’d previously hooked up.  At one point He told me there was something different about me.  He was implying that I had changed.  That was in fact, not the same person I had once been.  I had not shared anything with him about surrendering my life to Jesus and leaving homosexuality.  He didn’t hear about my heart and life change from me.  He saw it from the Holy Spirit that was active in my life.  I wouldn’t began speaking the phrase, “Change is possible” until many years later, but on that day the statement took root in my soul.  

I see Jesus doing the great work of leading men and women out of their LGBT lives and into the arms of God the Father.  Everywhere I look I see evidence that change is possible, even as former leaders of our Ex-gay ministries succumb to the call of sexual sin.  Everywhere I see the statement “Change is possible” being lived out in the hearts and lives of former homosexuals, lesbian and transgender people.  If you are a parent with a child trapped in the LGBT world, Jesus wants to give you hope. If you are someone trapped in the LGBT world and are looking for a way out, there is hope for you as well. Jesus gave His life so that we could live our life free from the grip and destructive ways of sin.  Change is definitely possible.  Follow God’s call to walk righteously and speak uprightly. 21 years ago I called on Jesus.  He rescued me from the slow death of my gay life. You, too, can call out to Jesus today.  

My Story So Far

I was fourteen years old when our family traveled to Orlando for a theme park getaway. Little did they know they were setting in motion, a lifelong dream. While in Orlando, I saw Killer Whales for the first time. I was blown away. I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. It took me a long time to reach my goal. I am really lucky. It took the Children of Israel 40 years to find a way out of the desert. I am just glad it only took me fourteen years and that I made it with all my own hair and teeth.

When I tell people that Jesus delivered me from ten years of unhappiness, guilt and shame, they ask me if I was a used car salesman. Saying that Jesus swooped down from heaven and saved me from eternal damnation and the fiery darts of Hell, though true, is a bit over the top. Jesus' role in my life is best described as mentor, friend and constant companion. He cries a thousand tears for every one that I shed. Simon Wiesenthal once said, “Every tear is forever on the mind of God.” Jesus Christ cares for my heart better than anyone.

What could have been so bad? One or two misplaced emotions eventually snowballed into a life that consumed my every thought. From the age of 18 to 27, I lived as a gay man, but I had gay feelings long before that. I was introduced to pornography by my brother, at the age of 6. Age 9 provided me with a bevy of choices about the world. Not only was I called into the ministry through a sermon about Jonah, my brother and a cousin exposed me to six hours of video pornography. I knew it was wrong, but it was mesmerizing and I was getting to hang out with the guys. To add to my confusion, I noticed at an early age that I was more drawn to the men in the videos, than the women. It continued to foster a burgeoning curiosity about sexuality and began a 30 year addiction to pornography and masturbation. It haunted my every day thoughts. When I began to walk with Jesus the struggle always brought up feelings of guilt. How could I call myself a Christian and still struggle with pornography? I never shared any of my sexual struggles in the church for fear of being ostracized. My secret battle was embarrassing, stifling, shameful and inexplicable.

I didn’t grow up in the most functional family as a boy. Who did? My brother was molested by a man when he was 13 and I was 6. It sent our family dynamics into a tailspin that immediately begin to affect all of our lives. I wouldn’t learn of the event until I was in my late 20’s. It was something my parents kept secret and locked away. It repeated a longstanding tradition of not talking about painful or embarrassing things in my family. My mom always quipped that she gave me the middle name Aaron, because she knew I would be a great spokesman. Then, she says, I didn't say anything for 12 years. My thought was always, "Who could say anything in this house?" There were three other people whose voices in my childhood home were much louder than mine.

One of those voices was my brother. In many ways he was everything a big brother should be, but the enemy had other plans for us. My brother’s molestation seemed to awaken a pornography appetite which he eventually shared with me. My brother never touched me physically, but I remember being naked with him and he made a game out of naming our penises. I remember being in my brother’s room watching him masturbate with a pillow while looking at a pornographic magazine. No 6 year old should ever be exposed to that. When my brother moved out of the house I inherited his porn collection by default. My early introduction to pornography awakened a sexual curiosity and exposed me to all manner of sexual situations that culminated in rampant sexual experimentation with other boys from the age of 6 to 13.

Almost two decades later my brother would tell me about his molestation. He said he had battled with confusing thoughts about his own sexuality which led to promiscuity with girls and erratic behavioral issues in response to the trauma. The bad behavior garnered the constant attention of my father. This created an absence of my father in my life. Not to worry. Mom stepped up to the challenge. The family dynamic was that my brother was my father's favorite child and I was my mother's. It was more implied than decided upon. My mother ruled with an iron fist or victimized tears. Dad was passive. Mom was aggressive. I spent my childhood scared of both. My dad was a good provider, but he can best be described as there, but "not there" in my life and ever present in my brother’s life. My brother and I had every material provision we could ever want: annual family vacations, amazing Christmas gifts, clothes, food, etc. From the outside we appeared to be the perfect family, but no outsider knew what was going on behind closed doors. One of the most haunting memories of my childhood happened when I was six years old. My mom locked herself in her bedroom and was threatening to kill herself with a gun. I remember sitting there, paralyzed, on the other side of the door crying and pleading with her. I don't remember where my father was. From that moment on though, I think was afraid to leave my mom alone. It would not be revealed to me until much later that my mother suffered from bi-polar disorder. I began to use humor and other distractions to diffuse the conflict created by having a manic/depressive mom. I did anything I could use to derail potentially tense situations. I became a little performing people pleaser who tried to keep mom smiling, but the stress of that role began to take a gradual toll on my life.

My father was the strict disciplinarian and resident Christian. He forced us to go to church every time the door was opened. I appreciate that now, but was not having it back then. I had a growing hatred toward my father. He had a short fuse. He never seemed interested in my life unless it was Sunday morning. I think my hatred for my father came about as a result of my mom’s continual attempts to emasculate him in my presence. In one breath my mother would filet my dad with her words and in the next minute she was pushing me to build a relationship with him. One family vacation she got so mad at him that when he got out of the car to ask for directions, she drove off and left him two states away. She frequently left him after arguments and took me to my grandmother’s house. My relationship with everyone in my family was strained. I was ostracized by my brother and male cousins. I was distanced from my dad. I was bullied by boys in school. I learned early on that the world of men was not a safe place. So I tended to gravitate to the women in my life who were always softer, kinder and gentler.

I spent most of my pre teen years playing with my female cousins and interacting with them. As far as guys were concerned, I was paralyzed in fear over them based on a history of volatile interactions. The problem was that I still longed to be around them. The gap between me and my male peers began to widen. I was a little boy distanced from almost every male figure in my life.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, well then it’s probably a duck. At least that is what the guys that bullied me in school felt. I was a feminine guy with feminine responses and actions. It wasn't because I was born gay. It was because I learned how to be a human by watching the actions and reactions of a woman, my mom; a wounded, mentally unstable woman. There were other strong female influences in my life as well. It was a recipe for disaster. I never entertained the thought that I was gay until my attractions and the mental impact of the bullying and name calling collided inside my head. For all intents and purposes, I had watched my mom’s life for years, not my dad. I mirrored her ways, words and attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the main reason I had a solid foundation for success in my early years. I know that she loved me and still does. The problem was that little boys were never meant to be best friends with their mom. They weren't mean to be poured into solely by a woman. It's like trying to program a Mac with Windows programming code. Something gets lost in the translation.

When I was a seventh grader, a gruff and tumbled, ninth grader with a bad attitude became my own, personal tormentor. He took it upon himself to call me Fag, Queer and Sissy. I have since learned that his own tragic childhood had left him with plenty of anger. Unfortunately, that anger was focused on me. His hatred further damaged my self esteem and confidence. I walked around in a fog of fear and anxiety. High school was painful and isolating. I had few close friends. I was the nerd who got good grades. I wasn’t the most masculine boy in school so I was the subject of some nasty rumors. The verbal slurs rooted themselves deep in my mind. The bullying further pushed me away from men and toward the belief that I might be gay.

High school graduation to me was like parole to a death row inmate. I had a chance at a new life. I could reinvent myself. Right the wrongs of the past. Act straighter. Date girls that didn't know me. I could become a new person. So I did. Upon enrolling at Oklahoma State I enrolled as Matthew Walker. Since Kindergarten I had gone by my middle name, Aaron, but I felt that the person I had been in high school needed to disappear. I had hoped that by laying "Aaron" to rest that all the turmoil and pain of his life would die with him. Needless to say, it didn't, but I did begin a new life as Matthew. No one back home understood, but in that moment I lumped every aspect of my past into one basket, good and bad, and threw the entire thing into the trash. In one fell swoop I had silenced any voice Aaron would have in my life. I tried to forget everything about my past in light of making a new life. I let a few bad experiences cloud my judgment and my whole life at that point. I wouldn't really learn the impact of that decision for many years.

College gave me freedom not to attend church. When I started college, I finally found the courage to write my parents a letter detailing my high school experiences with bullying and teasing. One night when I was headed back to college, my father and mother were in their car and I was in mine. We had pulled over on the interstate to say our goodbyes and my father got into my car. He recounted the memories from my letter and consoled me. I know my father had spent many late nights praying for me. This time, my father prayed for me in person. Tragically, my heart was too damaged to accept or appreciate his attempts to help me in that moment. I wasn’t ready to receive his love and compassion. I was caught between his Christianity and the growing temptations of homosexuality. I could tell my father that I’d been bullied, but if I told him that I thought I was gay, I felt he’d reject me outright. That was the first of many times that my father reached out to me, but I rejected him. Thank God he never stopped reaching.

College was the catalyst for sin in my life. I left Barnsdall, Oklahoma as a virgin on a bent to have sex. After all, the people I admired in high school were all sexually active. I was the odd man out. I dated a girl and lost my virginity that first semester. Then something strange happened. One day in normal conversation, she asked me if I thought I was gay. Not the typical relationship banter, but I responded with ambiguity and wonder. That conversation opened up an area of my mind that was lying dormant. It was like someone flipped on the light switch in a dark room. Some would say I was in denial all those years in high school when I could think of nothing but guys. In all reality, I can see how the enemy slowly chipped away at my resolve and prepared me for the ultimate demise. Eventually I started dabbling and curiously investigating gay things. After a night of drinking at a college bar, I fell into my first adult sexual experience with another guy. It was Spring Semester 1990 and I discovered a new “drug” that would control my life for the next ten years.

My workout program in college included bar hopping and running from God. I hoped that Jesus would forget me and let me live my life. My journey into homosexuality, began innocently enough with loneliness, anger and low self esteem. In four years I moved five times. One move took me from the dorms to a fraternity house in search of a cure. I believed that being surrounded by guys would fix me. I called it heterosexuality by osmosis. I was desperate for answers, which left me open to believe anything. I followed a Christian friend into the fraternity. I discovered later that he, too, struggled with homosexuality. By the end of my sophomore year, I had a minor in confusion. After the fraternity experiment failed, I gave up and allowed homosexuality to take over my life.

In the beginning, I constantly prayed that Jesus would take my homosexuality away. Night after night on the edge of my bed, weeping and crying. I never heard an answer during those late night confessions. I would wake up the next morning and brace myself to see if the feelings were gone. Nothing ever changed. Was I praying the wrong prayers? Was God even listening to me? One of the problems was that I was going to Jesus with stipulations and demands, not an open heart. I was asking God to take something away that I had a death grip on. I loved the idea of doing the right thing by God, but I loved my sin with every fiber of my being.

I moved through three states in a period of five years. I felt I was moving closer to my dream. In reality, I was slipping into debt and moving away from Jesus’ plan for my life. A few, small, misguided steps became a sinful, demanding lifestyle, spiraling out of control. I invested myself physically and emotionally in every guy I dated. I searched desperately for love and acceptance. Sex seemed to be the toll for the companionship I needed. I was willing to pay the price. Each encounter added to the hollow feeling growing inside. Thank God, my father never stopped praying.

The bible says that in the end days men will become lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. That was truly evident in my life. I felt I had two choices at the time. I could either live a sad, apologetic life of denial in the church or pursue homosexuality, a boyfriend, just have a fun and try to make the best of my fate. For ten years, I chose the latter. Another verse that rang true in my experience was Romans 1:27 “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another…” There were times while I was having sex with a guy and I still didn’t feel close enough to him. I felt that I wouldn’t be complete unless I was “one” with him, but that type of connection always eluded me. There were times when I would hang up the phone after talking for hours with a guy and would still have violent separation anxiety when I hung up. Homosexuality and lust grabbed a hold of me and worked its way into my heart, my actions, mind and my desires. I was inflamed with lust and the scriptures rang true.

My father told me that separation from God feels similar to being surrounded by friends and still feeling alone. A poem I wrote details it best. “Simple paranoia rages inside me. Surrounded by familiar strangers, I’ve never been so alone.” Man was created to commune with God. He was never meant to live his life apart from God. When we are separated from Him, loneliness sets in. A life lived without Jesus is merely an existence.

When Jesus didn’t take my homosexuality away, I thought I was meant to live that way. The bible says that homosexuality was wrong. Christianity and homosexuality could not coexist in my life. I told God that I was going to be gay no matter what. That decision took me directly to the proverbial brick wall people talk about at the end of the road. I never hit the wall, but let me just say, I could feel the grain of the brick. I started dating this guy I met on the internet. He smoked. He was verbally abusive. He was dating someone else. Not ideal, but I had to prove my point to God. I found myself in two harmful sexual situations and arguments that would quickly turn volatile. I broke it off. That was the beginning of the end. The guy I dated after him was a true companion. He showed me the love and acceptance I had been searching for, for 10 years. I shifted all my focus onto him. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I spent every waking moment with him. He was the one for me. He was a guy I could hang out with. He didn’t want sex. He didn’t smoke. And two weeks after we met, he didn’t want me. I was so love starved at that point that all it took was one person to show me love and I was hooked. I smothered the guy. Proverbs 27:7 says “He is who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.” It was this relationship that God used to walk me out of homosexuality. God spoke to me and said, you have been searching for a guy like this for ten years and now he doesn’t want you. I can show you what you are truly looking for: companions, friends, mentors, confidantes. You simply have to trust me and surrender to my plan and walk away from the failed plan you’ve been striving towards for the past ten years. A few months later I decided to leave everything behind and turn to God for help. Proverbs 27:17 was where God was taking me, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

One event that also helped in the decision making process was that I had recently gotten back in contact with the first guy I had dated in college. By some strange miracle, he had broken up with his current boyfriend and both of them had become Christians. I had known for a very long time that I was supposed to walk away from homosexuality. When this guy told me that he had already done it, it was almost as if the spirit of competition rose up in my heart. I was a little angry that he had done it before me. But after that conversation, I knew that it was the beginning of the end for my homosexual life.

This time my prayers were simple and sincere. I prayed, ‘God, I have tried for ten years to make this work. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t make this life work. Here it is. Let’s see what You can do with it.’ It wasn’t a challenge to God. It was a cry for help. I gave God free reign over my life. On December 20, 1998, I loaded my car, and left Mississippi and homosexuality behind. I was moving towards God, but I was dragging my feet. Matthew 5:6 says it best “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” All my flesh could think about was the depravity of celibacy, long church services and learning to date women, instead of shopping with them. After ten years of being in and out of the closet more times than Julia Roberts on Oscar night, I turned my life over to Jesus. And immediately I became Super Christian and went on to pursue a full heterosexual life with my wife and our 2.5 children. And the polar ice caps melted and flooded Greenland. NOT! Of course change didn’t happen overnight. I needed time to grow in my faith and time to listen to God’s voice, not the opinions of others. I wrote to my friends about my journey out of homosexuality. Gay friends denounced me. Christian friends rejoiced. The rest were just confused. “Is it possible to stop being gay?”

Jesus orchestrated some great blessings in my life. Three days after returning to Oklahoma in January 1999, I went to work with my dad. Working side by side with my father, I was able to establish a bond that fostered my growth as a Christian and as the man God intended. God was so present in my life. He sent me a swim coach so I could pass the swim test for my dream job. He gave me the perfect job. I was able to pay off more than $10,000 in debt. God began laying the foundation of my dreams. Jesus restored my finances. He restored my faith. He slices, He dices. If you call now for only $19.99 you can get this fabulous...just kidding. In short, Jesus restored my life. I looked for happiness and success for ten years in the world. In less than a year Jesus turned my life around. It wasn’t always easy, but obedience led me to answer God’s call on my heart.

God would have never chosen this path for me. However, He has taken my past and used it for His glory. One of my life’s goals is to help homosexual strugglers find their way out of the darkness. I once called homosexuality the Cadillac of sins, perfect in every way, nestling neatly into a person’s life at such an early age. It seems so natural that we are fooled into believing it is genetic in origin. While other boys are dealing with boy/girl things, the homosexual struggler begins to feel different. Isolation begins. Imagine the struggles every teenager endures, then factor in having to deal with homosexuality. Add to that the self-righteous preaching damnation and not salvation. The fear of rejection; fear that paralyzes proper development. I know that type of fear. No one should have to endure that type of struggle. My power to react and my abilities to enlighten are gifts from God. Celibacy has been my practice since 1998. I still have the potential to stumble in my humanity. 1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” My daily walk with Jesus and my time in His word, are what keep me grounded. This message may appear to be the epitome of intolerance and ignorance to some. For those struggling, it is one of hope. 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 15 For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16 To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life… I have 10 years of insight into the gay lifestyle. I will share the message of God’s healing power as we are called to do in Jeremiah 1. “...You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:7-8. “They will fight against you, but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:19 "I have pondered many questions about God. Men have forever tried to elevate themselves to His level. Why do we consider ourselves so advanced a species. We need machines to fly. Birds have wings. We need SCUBA to dive. Fish have gills. When you think about it, we need the help of an outside force to accomplish almost everything in our lives. For goodness sakes, we can’t even digest corn, people! Why would we rule out the need for an outside source to govern our spiritual needs? Relying on Jesus to be my strength doesn’t make me weak. It makes me smart. It allows me to build my faith and take part in his amazing plan for my life.

If you are wondering about my dreams of becoming an animal trainer working with Killer Whales, in January 2000 God opened the doors to my dream job. I have been working with marine mammals of all types for about 14 years now. Jesus truly opened up the storehouses of heaven in my life.

“What would have happened if you had avoided the gay lifestyle and had sold out to God at an early age instead?” I believe I might have been realized my dream in life earlier.” I definitely would not have ten years of memories to overcome. God renews my mind daily, but the devil uses my memories to haunt me at times. In animal training there is a concept that behavior gravitates towards reinforcement. I have to admit that the clubs, the attention and the acceptance were all very reinforcing. I received the proper amount of reinforcement I needed to continue on in my behavior. One of the hardest things to do is train an animal to perform a behavior differently than it was originally trained to do. The “old dog, new tricks” sentiment. It can be done, but you are competing with a huge reinforcement history. I can't imagine having a 20‑30 year reinforcement history as a gay man to overcome. The memories of the pornography, sexual encounters and intimate relationships keep a person bound to the belief that they were created different. I have been where teens who struggle with homosexuality are headed. I can say with confidence that by leaving homosexuality early on they will have a better chance of fulfilling their dreams and God’s purpose for this lifetime. By coming out young I had time to repair the relationship with my father. I know a few men who lost their fathers before they ever began to work through their issues. I have the gift of youth so that I can reach teens, before they make some of the same mistakes I made. God placed me right in the middle where I can help bridge the gap between young men and their fathers.

God has allowed me to enjoy the benefits of obedience and the fulfillment of my dream job. I am happy that I came out of the lifestyle young. I hated the presence of homosexuality in my life. I don’t deserve a medal of honor for being in the gay lifestyle for ten years. God would prefer that all of us remain pure and holy. Jesus was born of a virgin. I can’t relive the ten years I lost. God can use what I learned to prevent others from going down the same road. I have a great fear for the next generation. Life has become a combination of parents who pass on their unresolved issues and wounds to their children. Parents of today have forgotten that their family should be their main priority. Our children corner the market on anger, bitterness and pride; emotions they embrace in order to protect themselves from the pain. Those are the walls standing between them and the freedom of a relationship with Jesus.

I have watched God change and reshape my dream over the years. As a boy my greatest dream was to work with Killer Whales. As a man, surrendered to Christ, God has given me a new dream; a new mission. I have been in ministry to the gay community for the better part of 10 years. I have served alongside Exodus International, an organization that helps support men and women who desire God’s true direction for their sexuality. More recently I started a live in program in the Central Florida area that helps young men who desire to leave homosexuality behind, find a place of refuge away from the hostile plans of the gay agenda. I made a vow to myself as a little boy. I promised myself that if I had the power to do so, that no little boy would ever hurt like I did. God has helped me honor that vow and restored a life that was stolen from me at birth.